


hug all ur friends

by 2PLYRGAY



Series: hug all ur friends/promises [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Based on a Cavetown Song, M/M, No SQUIP, This is mostly fluff though, WOW CHECK IT OUT!, brb, does he DIE?, dont @ me man, fuck I didn’t finish my tags again, i don’t know, i sure do love me some angst, michael’s got CANCER!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23879542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2PLYRGAY/pseuds/2PLYRGAY
Summary: " life's too short to worry about things we got wrong "— in which that happy, confident, funny, sweetly obnoxious retro boy who goes by the name of michael mell had been diagnosed with cancer at age eight.— continuously told that he was going to die eventually, michael and his mother are convinced that he's a miracle. everyone is convinced that he's a miracle. it's been eight years since his diagnosis, and his heart hasn't skipped one beat.— and just as michael realizes his feelings for his best friend, he's told that he's going to die very soon, and that it's really going to happen this time." so hug all your friends and let them know you're not letting go "
Relationships: Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: hug all ur friends/promises [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1758946
Comments: 15
Kudos: 15





	1. prologue - "wait, YOU have CANCER? but you're so happy."

There's nothing like passing time coloring in a PAW Patrol coloring book, left at your house by your little cousin who's obsessed with the show, and who also loves finding new colored pages in her coloring books. Oh, and watching the show so you can get in the perfect mood to color PAW Patrol characters for your adorable little cousin.

I watch the floating dots on my screen, waiting for a response to my text from my best friend, Jeremy Heere. He's an interesting specimen. Jeremy's allergic to peanuts, he had a cat that I once threw out a window, he's the literal definition of dirty-minded, he's Jewish and above all else, an idiot. That's what makes me love him so much. He doesn't use his head, so if you say the word head around him, he'll immediately think you're talking about sucking dick. It's great.

I get a response, just in time for another episode to load on the TV and the all-too-familiar PAW Patrol theme song starts playing. I catch myself humming along while reading the response. I type something back, then I go back to coloring. I get tons of days like this. I don't go to school anymore. It got too stressful for me, and I was tired of dealing with all of those cancer comments, so my mom took me out of school.

You're probably wondering: Cancer comments? Surprise, I have cancer! I've had it ever since I was eight.

I got really sick one night, so my mom took me to the hospital. I kept getting better then worse almost every day while I was in the hospital, so I was there for about a week. A week doesn't seem like that long, but it was complete agony for me, being an eight year old and all. Then they told my mom that I was more than just sick.

It changed our lives completely.

And so now, I'm coloring in a PAW Patrol coloring book, waiting for my best friend to get out of school so he can bring me my slushie. It's not that I can't go get it myself, I'm just too lazy to get out of the house most of the time. Besides, Jeremy will always get me slushies if I asked. He might be a dirty-minded weirdo, but he's the nicest person I know. Maybe the only person I know, other than my mom.

"Good afternoon, mahal." My mom says in a soft-spoken voice, causing me to look up from the book as she appears in the doorway. A smile is spread across her face, but it seems to turn slightly when she sees that I'm watching PAW Patrol.

"Hi, Momma." I respond, grinning.

My mom's one of the best people I know (out of the two I know, anyways). She's always put my needs before her own. I have no memory of my father, but my mom said that he was a good person up until he left. I think I was about two when he did. She's been raising me by herself ever since, working full-time in a veterinarian's office that's forty-five minutes away. I'm left alone a lot, especially since she runs lots of errands to try and get our bills paid after work, which she usually goes to the city to go do.

Even after all of that, she's still not done with being an adult. She comes home and takes extra care of me, making sure I eat, that I take my meds and that I'm happy. I'm usually pretty happy all the time, but sometimes when I forget to take my meds, I get too in my head and I become distant. But that's only every few weeks.

Momma walks across the room and opens up the curtain. I've been in the dark for hours, so it takes my eyes a moment to adjust. "It was pretty dark in here. Not good for your eyes, mahal."

"Yeah, I guess so." I respond, squinting just for effect. I continue to color, grabbing a different color crayon to color the background.

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you opened these curtains every once in a while." She says, peeking out the window.

"I'm good, I'm just gonna use the TV and nothing else. Just in case he ever comes back. Not like he would, he wouldn't want to see his dying younger brother anyways." I add that last bit ever so casually.

"Michael, don't say that."

I look at my mom and deadpan. "You know it's true."

She sighs. "It's not, but think whatever you want. Did you eat?"

"Yep. Earlier, I made myself some microwave rice. Jeremy's bringing me a slushie." I finish up on the background and close the book, deciding that it's enough coloring for today. I grab the remote and go to turn off the show.

"You've gotta eat healthier than that, honey." Momma sits on the corner of the bed.

"Tsk, it's fine. Is it okay if Jere stays the night tonight? Since it's Friday and all."

My mom really enjoys Jeremy's company, so I'm sure she's going to respond 'yes'. Over the past twelve years, our families have been really close. Momma and Jeremy's dad are literally best friends, and they go way back. They've known each other since highschool. I don't know how I haven't known Jeremy since we were both fetuses.

"Of course it's fine, honey, just remember the rules."

I feel my face heat up. "You say that every time. We're just friends."

"And you say that every time." Momma smirks, leaving me almost speechless.

"You know, Momma, I think you have some errands to run, so maybe you should do that." I turn off the TV and collect my things. "I'm gonna go to the basement."

I stand up and Momma holds her arms out, expecting a hug. I roll my eyes playfully and give her the hug she needs, once again noticing our subtle height difference. I hug her tight and then take off to my basement.

I've been spending a lot of time in my older brother's room lately. He's twenty-two and he's going to college somewhere in New York, mainly paid for with scholarship money and money from his dad. We have different dads, same mom. His dad doesn't like me or my mom, and it's clear that Noah doesn't like me either.

I've tried pretending that those two haven't said things about my cancer diagnosis, but it comes back every single day. It's like, okay, I'm not completely related to you and your dad, so that gives you a right to wish I was dead? Yeah, I know he was fourteen when he said it, but he continued to say it until he decided to move with his dad when I was ten and when he was sixteen. Maybe it's like, 'If he would just pass already, then he doesn't have to suffer'? But it came out more like 'I wish he was dead lol.'

It did a big number on my mental state, but I never said anything to my mom about it because I figured she already knew what they were saying. She told me ignore what they said, so I tried, but for a few years I didn't feel like living because I was dying. I'm better now. I just have a strong hatred for my half brother who goes to college in New York.

-

Jeremy and I have been doing nothing but eating chips and watching Minecraft videos on YouTube. I've been craving another slushie for about an hour now. I finished the other one a while ago.

Jeremy speaks, "I really think that Christine doesn't like me."

"Well, one time you did ask her out during the middle of a scene, and she just assumed that it was a part of the scene." I say, reaching for another chip.

"That rejection hurt a lot more than it should've. Maybe I'm trying too hard and I'm having to convince myself I like her, when really I don't like her anymore."

"That's deep, man." I tease, speaking with food in my mouth on purpose.

"Hey, don't make fun of me. Your lonely ass doesn't know what it's like."

"I think you're forgetting my girlfriend I had back in fourth grade." I grin. Jeremy rolls his eyes and snatches the chip bag away from me.

"Hey, you ate all the chips!" He complains.

I shrug. "It was like that when I got here."

"Yeah, I'm sure. Also, you've literally been gay your whole life, your fourth grade girlfriend doesn't count."

"Well, she's pretty now, isn't she?" I ask. Jeremy thinks and nods. "Exactly."

"That's not how it works, you're still gay."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It's not a bad thing, it just means that your fourth grade girlfriend can't count anymore," Jeremy says, rolling up the chip bag and hitting me on the head with it. I reach for my phone, and my motives seem clear. "And don't you dare try to find her on Instagram and ask her if she'll date you. You may have not been out at school but everyone knew you were gay."

"Wow, you're no fun." I throw my phone at him. Jeremy smiles and picks up my phone, typing in my passcode and looking through everything. It doesn't bother me like he thinks it does. I don't have much to hide, and even if I did, I don't know why I wouldn't have shown Jeremy. Oh God, no, not like that. What I'm trying to say is that I'm a holy child of God and my phone proves it.

"You really think you're gonna get something out of looking through my phone?"

"Yeah. I find something new every time."

I sigh and return my attention back to the Minecraft video, my cravings coming back to haunt me. I stretch out across my beanbag, then I flop down on the floor, laying down on my stomach. I keep a close eye on the video.

I feel Jeremy looking at me, and the only word he says is, "Thicc." Then he bursts out laughing.

"No, you." I manage to respond, then I burst into laughter because Jeremy is about as thicc as a stick. No, a twig.

We laugh for a good moment and then the laughter dies off. Jeremy continues to go through my phone and I start humming the PAW Patrol theme song again. There's a few moments of the video playing and nothing else, then Jeremy speaks up.

"Uh, Michael? You might wanna see this email."

"You go through my emails?" I laugh.

"Yeah, but don't laugh. It's from your doctor and she says that she has something to tell you and your mom on Monday."

I went to the doctor's just earlier in the week. It's a monthly thing for me now. Not that I'm getting worse, but it's just to see if I'm getting worse. "Huh, let me see that." I reach for my phone and Jeremy hands it to me. And there it is, the email saying that my mom hasn't responded to the call recently so she sent us an email. My mom's trying. She tries to answer her phone, but sometimes it just slips her mind. I'm not worried too much about it.

"What do you think about it?" Jeremy asks.

"I think that I'm either dying or I'm cured. Just like always, Jere. You know how this goes, it's been years. I'm sure I won't die now."

"My uncle said the same thing. I was never close to him, but I knew he said the same thing, and now he's-" Jeremy stops. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize, Jere." I laugh quietly. "It's just I already know that your uncle died of cancer and you've been telling me ever since you found out about my cancer."

Jeremy shrugs. "I do whatever I can to make you feel bad for dying."

I laugh and give him a hug, messing up his hair in the process. Not like it wasn't already messy, I just like being a little bitch. Jeremy laughs and lets me hug him, then he pushes me off of him.

"I wasn't done yet." I frown.

"I was." He grins.

"Come on, please let the cancer boy hug you. Please?"

"How about no?" He pulls my hood over my head, making it cover my eyes. My glasses almost fall off my face when he does it, causing me to have to push them back up my face.

I feel a smile spread across my face as I push my hood back down. I try fixing my hair and then I just let it do whatever. My cheeks and my ears are warm, making me realize that I'm blushing hard. I look over at Jeremy, who's smiling as much as I am.

Wait, blushing face, can't stop smiling, Jeremy... Oh my God. I have a humongous gay crush on my best friend.

"You wanna stop this video and pretend to make one of our own?"

I get away from my many gay thoughts (or at least I try to) and nod. "Yeah, let's do it." I grin.

Jeremy smiles and goes to switch the video to Minecraft as I wonder if he'd ever like me back. I'm very annoying and unlikeable, but I've also been called cute and funny by some girls at school two years ago. If girls can like me, I'm sure it wouldn't be too impossible for Jeremy to like me back, but Jeremy has a girlfriend and I need to respect that they're together.

But do I want to? Of course not.


	2. one - i don't care about my sleeping routine

It's hard to sleep when you're high off of sugar and when gay thoughts have been plaguing your mind for hours on end. It doesn't make things better when you realize that your gay crush has been completely cool with sleeping in the same bed as you for years and hasn't thought anything else of it. It makes me wonder how the dirtiest-minded person ever hasn't thought that it was something else, especially after his best friend came out as gay. Maybe I don't radiate 'I want to get inside your pants' energy.

I take a quick peek at Jeremy, seeing if he's awake even though he fell asleep a while ago, then I'm met with his eyes looking in mine. A rather creepy stare.

"...Hey." I whisper.

"Yo." Jeremy says in a low voice. "I thought you were asleep."

"No. I thought you were."

"Surprise, I was texting Christine." Jeremy says with a laugh.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She sort of dumped me."

I raise an eyebrow. "Sort of?"

"Okay, she did dump me. But only because she thinks she likes someone else, which is completely understandable. It's like my falling out of love with her."

"Oh, yeah? You were in love with her?" I ask in a teasing voice, but I honestly want to know.

"A lil' bit, yeah."

The answer I got surprises me, but what was I expecting? Jeremy seemed dedicated to that relationship. I wonder if he would be dedicated to one with me. "I've never really been in love. Not with anyone who'd love me back."

"Not even Giselle?" Jeremy stifles a giggle.

"Fourth grade, Jeremy. It's like you said, it doesn't count."

"Well, who have you been in love with?"

I swallow hard. "A few boys." And it's the truth.

"Oh, yeah?" Jeremy asks. I nod and make an 'mmm-hmm' sound to go with it. "Tell me more."

"Well, I don't know if I was in love with him, but I did have a crush on your friend Jake for a while...he never noticed me."

"Really?" Jeremy laughs quietly and it makes me feel bad. "It's not that he didn't notice you. He just didn't know if you'd like him."

"Woah."

"Yeah. You still like him?"

"No."

"Good, because he moved on. Tell me the other boys."

Ouch. That hurt more than it should've. "I liked Rich, but only after he stopped being an asshole to us. He liked me too, I could tell. We did go out for a bit, he was my first kiss and it was nice...but I guess he didn't want that anymore."

"Out of everyone, you decided to secretly date Rich?"

"Yeah, you jealous?" I grin.

"No, I just...ew, Rich."

"Hey, don't talk like that. He did nothing to deserve your hate." I lightly hit Jeremy in the face.

He puts his hand on my forehead and shoves my head around. "Out of everyone, Michael, you dated Rich."

"He's sweet. He isn't gross like you say he is." I grab his wrist and hold his arm above my head.

"Mmh, okay. You said a few boys, so who else have you been in love with?"

"...That's it." I say, letting go of his arm. "That I've been in love with."

"Are you in love right now?"

"Yeah." What's the point of hiding it?

"With who?"

"You think I have to tell you that?"

"Yeah, we're besties. You've gotta tell me everything."

"I don't want to tell you."

"Please tell me."

"I'm going back to bed." I turn around to where my back is facing him. "Goodnight."

Jeremy's hand rests on my shoulder, oddly sending chills down my spine. He squeezes my shoulder gently, like he does every time his hand rests there. "Don't keep secrets from me. I'm not here to make fun of you."

I move my hand to where my fingers lightly touch his, putting my hand on his. "I'm not gonna tell you."

"Michael..." He pouts. "Please?"

"It's you, okay? It's been you." I sigh. "There."

Jeremy doesn't say anything for a while. It makes me wonder if he hates me, but his hand is still on my shoulder and he hasn't tried keeping mine off of it, so I'm guessing he doesn't hate me.

"...Wow." He says.

"Yeah." I respond bitterly.

"You didn't have to keep that from me. You could've just told me."

"I just realized it yesterday."

"Makes sense. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"Out of everyone, me?"

I turn my head so I look at him. "You just said the same thing about Rich."

"But there's tons of reasons why you shouldn't like me. I'm annoying, I'm sad a lot, I make too many dirty jokes, I get really nervous when it comes to physical contact, I'm a bad kisser-"

"There's tons of reasons why I should like you." I flip over to my side, noticing Jeremy's hand left my shoulder when he was listing reasons I shouldn't like him.

"List them off for me, why don't you?"

"There's too many for me to name."

Jeremy laughs quietly. "Thanks?"

"It was supposed to be a compliment, you dumbass." I lightly slap him again, which makes him push my head around again. I laugh, and the laugh feels natural and it feels good to laugh. Healthy, almost.

Jeremy and I mess around for a bit longer, play fighting and whatnot. He pokes my eye on accident, and it hurts like hell, but I get him back by punching him in the arm hard. I'm sure we'll be covered in bruises tomorrow, but I couldn't care less. I'm just having some fun.

We end up staying up later than we were going to. We play a game of Uno, then we put on a movie while playing on our phones because that's what everyone does, then we rewatch the movie and actually pay attention. After the movie, I turn on a vinyl and we sit around and talk like we did. I end up singing along to one of the songs that was playing, and even though I thought I sounded bad, Jeremy says he liked my performance. It gets my heart beating fast.

We sneak upstairs and grab some snacks, laughing our asses off for no reason. I have to keep shushing Jeremy because he won't shut up, then he tries and starts laughing again, which makes me laugh because he has one of the cutest ugly laughs ever. It's a laugh only I get to hear, which is the best privilege ever.

Jeremy sees a sticky note I left on the fridge for my mom, then he finds it hilarious. I look to see what it says, then it comes back with the first word.

I frown, "It just says-"

"Bone app the teeth!" Jeremy starts laughing again, then it turns into snort-laughing, which is the cutest and ugliest thing ever.

I giggle because of his laugh, "Be quiet, you're gonna wake up Momma!" I take our snacks and motion for him to follow me to the basement.

"You're a comedic genius, Michael middle name Mell." Jeremy grins and wipes his nose.

"Oh my God, did you laugh so hard that snot came out of your nose? Disgusting." I smile as we walk down the stairs. "Also, you know damn well I don't have a middle name."

"You have one now. It's going to be something lame, like...Karen. Michael Karen Mell."

"I swear to God, if you don't shut up-"

"What are you gonna do, Karen?"

"I'll make you shut up, one way or another. I'll make fun of your middle name too."

"I have a white boy middle name. Yours is Karen."

"You are a white boy." I say, reaching the end of the stairs and rushing over to my beanbag, throwing the snacks down and plopping my ass onto that beanbag.

"I'm not as white as I could be, fuck you." Jeremy sits next to me, grabbing the cookies.

"Please do." I say, holding back my laughter. Jeremy seems to ignore my comment but in the light of the TV, I see his face turning red. "Haha, gay."

"You're one to talk." He hits me again.

I smile and reach over to turn on the Nintendo. "You know what's about to happen."

"Oh my God. You're seriously about to make me play Mario Kart? I'm tired, man."

"Sleep isn't important. I'm about to beat your ass in this game."


	3. two - i'm a little sick right now but i swear

My stomach is turning. I feel like I'm going to be sick. Sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office, I might throw up whatever breakfast I had this morning, a McDonald's egg McMuffin. Every time I come to this place, it gives me the worst of my anxiety.

I know today's the day I'm told I'm going to die. I just know it. Sure, I've been told that I'm incurable and will die for about eight years now, but I'm still alive. So, today must be it. I think that every time, and it really needs to stop, but I'm in a really good part of my life right now and this is what's going to ruin it.

Momma notices my nervousness and grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. I look at her and give a weak smile, sitting up in my seat so I look slightly better.

"Are you alright?" She asks.

"Just feeling sick. It's not a big deal."

She presses her lips together and lets out a sigh. "Don't stress, niño." You see, she tells me not to stress, but she speaks Spanish when she's stressed. She speaks Tagalog, Spanish and English fluently. I don't know how she does it.

"I'm trying, Momma." I sigh.

A few minutes pass, then one of the ladies who works in the office comes out and calls my name. If I wasn't nervous before, this would be the most nerve-wracking thing about this trip. It still is the most nerve-wracking either way. Momma and I stand up and I swallow the lump in my throat, realizing that my entire future relies on this.

The lady leads us to the doctor's office. Her literal office, like with all of her documents and where only important meetings like this one take place. I noticed that there's not too many kids here, so this is going to take however long it needs to. Oh God.

"Take a seat, the doctor will be here shortly." The lady says with a smile. No smiling should be allowed. No smiling!

But we do as she says. Momma takes a seat on the right and I sit next to her on the left. My leg starts bouncing, another sign of my nervousness. I rest my elbow on the doctor's desk, holding my head. I get headaches when I get really nervous.

"Take a breath, Michael, it'll be alright." Momma says. I try following her advice, but I'm still really anxious. She rubs my back and it sort of relaxes me, but only until the doctor shows up. I don't bother sitting up when she does show up. I figure that she'll feel bad, seeing me in my anxious state.

"Good morning, Miss Mell. Good morning, Michael." The doctor holds her hand out for Momma to shake.

"Good morning, Doctor." Momma says, taking said hand and shaking it.

"Morning." I mutter, ignoring the hand when it moves to me. I remember that I didn't take my meds this morning. Yay, me.

A quick yet awkward silence fills the room, then the doctor sits in her fancy, expensive spinning chair. I want a chair like that. She starts talking about something to my mom, something that only they seem to understand. I wish I remember anything science-related thing I learned so I could understand too.

Then she starts talking about me. I start listening. I stop functioning when I hear the words 'the cancer seems to have spread to his brain'. Oh my God.

I don't know much about the cancer itself, but I know that it's not good when it spreads to my brain. My brain. And how did I not know that it was spreading to my brain? Wouldn't I have shown signs? How'd it only take last week's scans to find out?

My overthinking takes over. I remember Jeremy and Friday night, then death seems so much worse than it would have if we didn't have that conversation.

I look up and cut into the conversation. "Is there any way to stop it?"

Momma and the doctor look at me. My eyes start filling with tears, from the embarrassment and from the thought of dying before I get to live. "Don't just look at me!" I say much louder than I was trying to sound. "J-Just tell me what's going to happen! Am I...am I gonna die?"

The doctor sighs and purses her lips together. "Michael, we've tried everything we can for you. Since you and your mother decided that you didn't want to do chemotherapy treatment, there's not much else we can do now. I...I'm afraid that you're right."

Those tears start falling down my cheeks, my glasses fogging up. I don't want to believe it. I can't believe it. "Oh my God." I mutter.

The adults talk for a while, and by the end of this meeting, we're all in tears. I'm just crying the most. I'm going to die and it's for real this time. There's so much I haven't seen, so much I haven't done. I haven't experienced so much. I won't be able to experience prom, which Jeremy was going to take me but only as a friend, or his wedding, or my own wedding, my future friends having their kids, the entirety of college, I won't be able to go on that super awesome vacation that Jeremy and I were planning. We were going to go to the Philippines, and we were going to take my mom so she can see her family. All of that's gone.

And soon I'm going to be gone.

-

My mom takes me to Wendy's after we leave. It used to be my favorite. I don't have the heart to tell her that it isn't my favorite anymore. I'm still shaken up by the news, as is my mom, but she seems...fine. Like if it's not going to affect her until it happens.

"...I'm going to fucking die."

"Language."

"I speak English and Tagalog, there, happy?"

"That's not what I meant."

"You'd swear too if you were told you were going to die, Mom." I don't ever call her Mom, so when I do, I'm usually upset and I usually say it with a lot of sarcasm in my voice.

"You-" She cuts herself off. She gives herself a quick moment to breathe and then looks back at me. "We knew this news was coming, Michael."

I roll my eyes, "Yeah, we did. Now it's here, so what do we do now?"

"One, don't roll your eyes at me." I almost do it again, but I'd prefer to keep my limbs. "Two, they tried everything-"

I scoff, "Clearly not! I'm dying, Mom! They didn't do a single thing right."

"Don't raise your voice at me, you're causing a scene." She says sternly, but she somehow manages to keep her cool. I go to yell again, but I don't. I shut my mouth with a sigh. "If you've got something to say, young man, then you best say it now."

"It feels like you just don't care that I'm dying, that's what I've got to say." I snap. "I cry harder than anyone in that office, then you take me to Wendy's as a way to say, sorry that you're dying, but here's some fucking—chicken nuggets!"

Momma looks upset, the crying kind of upset. It makes me feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. "Is that what you really think? That I just don't care?"

It starts becoming harder to breathe. "It's not what I think! It just feels like that."

"You feel like your own mother doesn't care about her son dying?"

"I feel like nobody cares about me dying!" The words come out hesitantly. The longer I think about them, the truer they become. It starts to feel like I'm the only one who cares out of the ones who know I'm actually going to die.

Momma reaches for my hand and I pull away. I feel more tears fall, noticing the fog on my glasses. I take them off and set them on the table, then I cry into my hoodie sleeves. "You don't even fucking understand." I manage.

"Neither do you, Michael." Momma says in a way I've never heard her speak. She sounds genuinely angry at me. It seems dangerous. She sighs, which I'm assuming is accompanied by her holding her head in her hands. "My own miracle baby is dying. You think that I'm okay with that?"

"I'm anything but a miracle. I'm just dying sooner than planned."

"Ignore the cancer for a second. Before you were born, I had two miscarriages. I was convinced that you weren't going to make it." Her theory is proven sixteen years later.

But I think about what she says. I guess I was a miracle for the time being. I did live during other times they said I was going to die, and the miscarriage thing. The universe works in weird ways, doesn't it? It let me live this long.

Might as well make the most out of the rest of the time I have left.


	4. three - i'd sell my own bones for sapphire stones, 'cause blue's your favorite color

The worst thing about all of this is that I haven't mentioned it once to Jeremy and it's been three days. I'm seeing him today. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends after school, and since it's Jeremy, I decided to say yes.

I told Jeremy that I didn't feel like driving, which is the truth, and he completely understood, so he's going to come here and we're going to walk there together. It was nice of him to do. I know he hates the cold, so it means a lot for him to literally walk here in it.

I heard it was going to be extra cold today, so I'm wearing two shirts, then a hoodie, and then a puffy jacket over that. The jacket doesn't have a hood, but the hood on my hoodie suffices just fine, and it sticks out from underneath the jacket anyways. I like how it looks, but I like anything I wear. I just don't like how it looks on me.

Before I can criticize my own looks any more, the doorbell rings and I feel my feet carrying me up the stairs at a quick pace. I make sure I have everything, my phone, my earbuds. Yeah, I'm good. I keep money underneath my case always, so I'm good there too.

"Bye, Momma!" I shout into the kitchen, then I rush to the front door. Momma and I haven't talked much since Wendy's. I guess it's because I did technically cuss at her, and also because, well, we argued about whether she cares if I die or not.

I open the door and there's Jeremy, smiling with his ears red and his nose pink. He gives me a wave and I smile.

"Hi." I say, closing the door behind me. "I'm kinda excited. What about you?"

"I'm excited too. They'll be real sweet to you, don't worry. They're just tough on me." Jeremy starts walking down the steps, so I follow behind him.

"They shouldn't be, you're nice." I shove my hands in my pockets. "Do I look alright? I feel stupid."

Jeremy shakes his head, presumably at the stupid part. "You look great, Micha. Don't worry."

I ignore the blush spreading across my face. "How was school?" I ask.

"It was alright. We had a test in algebra today. I'm sure I failed." He chuckles, and I see his breath in the cold.

"Nah, you're smart. You wouldn't fail." I tell him, taking my hands out of my pockets because I don't know what to do with them.

"Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?" Jeremy asks. "You're always like, 'Hah, you're a dumbass, Jeremy.'" He says that part in some weird voice.

"I don't sound like that." I mumble. "It's not a big deal as to why I'm being nice. I'm just being nice." I didn't even realize that I was being extra nice today.

"One, you always sound like that. Two, you can't just be nice like that. What happened?"

"Nothing happened?" My mind drifts off to the cancer news. I try ignoring it. "I'm just being nice."

"Mmh, I see." Jeremy says, crossing his arms. I look at the ground. "How was that appointment?"

My eyes widen. "It was fine."

"You sticking around?"

I don't respond. My glasses start fogging up already, so I take them off and wipe them clean before putting them back on. I ignore any eye contact.

"Michael?"

"I don't feel like talking right now. It's been a week. Momma's mad at me."

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Michael." Jeremy uncrosses his arms and it seems like he wants to put one on my shoulder.

"It's okay. It'll work out. We can't be mad forever." Quite literally. I might die before she forgives me, though. Then she'll go to my grave and mourn, but then she'll talk shit to me. That sounds bad, but I know my mom.

Jeremy gets close and his arm brushes against mine, his fingers barely touch my own. It's enough to make me flustered. I feel his eyes land on me, but I still look away because I'm scared that I'll say something.

"This walk's gonna be a while. They wanted to go to the mall." Jeremy says.

"It's good. The mall's cool, I guess." I sigh.

I don't say much after that. Jeremy tells me about his week, then I nod along with the stories and pretend like I'm listening. I really don't want to hear about his Hot Pocket obsessed teacher. I'm only focused on the fact that I could die any second. Maybe it doesn't work like that, but the anxiety still happens. Day four without my meds.

"You're literally not listening." Jeremy calls me out.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Did something happen?"

I think for a second and then reluctantly nod, looking up for Jeremy's reaction. He looks curious and scared. "The appointment." I say.

"Yeah? You just said it was fine."

"It wasn't."

"Oh...?"

I look back down. "I'm not sure if I'm sticking around this time."

"Wait, what?"

"It spread to my brain." I say quietly.

"Holy shit."

"I...I used to think about killing myself, Jeremy." I look up at him, feeling tears in my eyes and noticing fog on my glasses. "N-Now, I don't wanna go."

"Michael..."

"I-It's not fair. There's so much I haven't done, Jeremy, and now I'm gonna die."

"I...Fuck. I'd apologize, but that's all that I do."

"It's fine-"

"It isn't fine, Michael, you're dying!"

"You say that like I haven't known that for eight years!"

"I-" He takes a breath. "...Tell me what you haven't done. Maybe we could make some of it happen today."

"We can't just-"

"Michael, just tell me and I'll try to make it happen." Jeremy grabs my hand and I get fluttery again. I go on to list the things I haven't done, and it all starts flowing out really easily. I've made a list that I didn't even know existed. It goes from things like prom to the Philippines trip, and other things like having an actual boyfriend who takes me on actual dates (that was a hint for Jeremy to do his thing but he never did), going to pride, bring your own cup day at Seven-Eleven (I wanted to bring a kiddie pool, and I know the people who work there, so if they'd like to hold a bring your own cup day for the cancer boy...) and simple things that I just want to experience again.

"That's...that's a lot."

"Yeah, but maybe we could make some of it happen, like you said?" Death is out of the question at this point. I got so lost into my list that I'd actually like to do mini-versions out of the big things, like prom. Even though I'd hate the original because people, if we had our own, that'd be a lot nicer. Jeremy could invite his friends and-

"Some of them, I imagine. I don't know about a whole-ass trip to the Philippines, but..."

"That's fine, I don't really care about that. I was thinking..." And then I go on to explain my mini-prom plan. I get caught in making all these plans, which Jeremy seems to like a lot of the ideas, and time passes by much quicker than it would if I was quiet. We're at the mall by the time I finish rambling.

-

We've been sitting in the food court for a bit and Jeremy's currently engaged in conversation with his friends. They're all really nice to me, like he said they'd be. I'm leaning against Jeremy and my head is on his shoulder, and I'm back to being in my sad boi hours. They're talking about something stupid, but it's not the stupidest thing I've heard.

I notice Rich and Jake. They notice me, and they're actually really nice to me, especially Rich. I glance over at Jeremy a few times but he seems focused on the conversation, so I don't mind. The conversation gets shifted to me. I haven't said anything other than hi, so I get confused. I feel all their eyes on me.

"Are you guys...?" Brooke asks. It takes me a moment to realize what she's talking about.

"No, no, we're not dating." Jeremy tries to cover for us. "He's had a bad week."

I nod because it's true. "Also, I'm tired as hell." Which is also true.

"You guys would be cute together." Chloe adds onto the conversation, looking at something on her phone. I bite my lip nervously, noticing Jeremy's had his arm wrapped around me for a while now. No wonder why they think we're dating.

"I'm cute without him, thank you very much." I respond and it earns a few laughs, even Jeremy laughs. It makes me feel good.

"And I'm cute without you." Jeremy responds teasingly, looking at me.

"It would appear so." I smirk. He turns slightly red and looks away. I sigh with a smile and I grab his other hand, holding it in my lap. It makes me feel better, so I'm just going to keep being 'flirty' like this. I close my eyes, keeping my head on his shoulder as they continue with a different conversation. I like Jeremy's friends. He'd better keep them.


	5. four - we just gotta get along together

When we get to my house, it's almost dark. I make Jeremy stay the night again because I'm not letting him walk home in this weather. He's already getting a cold.

"Here, take this. I don't know if it'll help, but I'm feeling nice today." I hold out the cup to Jeremy, who's sitting on the floor next to the living room couch. "It's tea, and it's hot. If you drink it all then I'll make you hot chocolate."

Jeremy takes the cup and pretends like he isn't suspecting something other than tea. "Your hot chocolate is the best." He mentions. I nod and sit down next to him.

"Christmas movies?" I ask.

"It's the beginning of November and I'm Jewish."

"So that's a definite yes." I take the remote and immediately go to look for a Christmas movie. "Are we feeling more Elf or Nightmare Before Christmas?"

"Michael," Jeremy laughs. "You're stupid."

"Like you, yeah. Let the cancer boy watch what he wants." I end up choosing Elf, which I know Jeremy hates this movie, but he always ends up watching and enjoying it anyways. "Drink your tea."

"Okay, okay, I'm waiting for it to cool off." Jeremy says. A few seconds later, he adds, "So, I told my friends about that prom thingy. They thought it was a pretty nice idea."

"Yeah?" I dig a hand into the popcorn bowl, then I shove the popcorn in my mouth.

"Yeah. They're gonna work out the details, they're good at that, but in the meantime I'd like to ask you a question."

"Alrighty, go for it." I say, not even bothering to cover my mouth.

"Would you like to go to prom with me? I know it's not a huge promposal or whatever-"

"Yes." I respond immediately. "I mean, sure. Yeah."

Jeremy smiles, "Only because neither of us have a date."

Ouch. "Are you sure? I think you have some huge gay crush on me and you're just scared to admit it."

"Nope. I'm enjoying the single life." Jeremy puts his legs on me, smirking.

"You're only single because nobody wants to date you."

"Says you. You told me that you're in love with me."

I feel my face burning. "Not the point."

"Don't think I forgot about that, because I didn't and I'm totally gonna use it against you."

I don't respond for a few seconds. "So, when's the prom happening?"

"I'm sure it's gonna be very soon, they like doing stuff like this..." Jeremy goes on to tell me some things that they've done and he just ends up rambling. I like it. His voice has always comforted me through whatever, and it's honestly a sound I have to hear so I can get through my day.

Jeremy sits back up and I lean up against him like I did earlier. He's stopped talking and he's watching the movie with a weak smile on his face while I'm trying to stay awake. His arm ends up around me again. I look at Jeremy with a look that asks why it's there, and he just gives me a little smirk.

I take off my glasses and set them aside, curling up next to Jeremy. I'm really enjoying this. I close my eyes for a second before looking back at the movie, sighing tiredly.

"If you want, you can go to sleep."

"No, no, it's fine..." But I'm already halfway there.

Jeremy chuckles. "Go to sleep, you dummy. I'll be here in the morning."

"I don't wanna sleep." I grab onto Jeremy's shirt. "I'm staying up."

Jeremy's hand goes in my hair. "No, you're not. Go to bed." He says. I whine, saying something that neither of us can decipher. I close my eyes and end up deciding to just let sleep take over. It doesn't take long for me to fall asleep. I'm about out when I feel Jeremy's kiss on my head, followed by, "Love you, dumbass."

-

I wake up in the cold, a blanket being the only thing keeping me warm. The first thing I realize is that I have a huge headache. I sit up, shivering slightly. I notice that all the lights are off and it's still dark outside. I feel around me for my phone and I find it, turning on the flashlight and noticing that my phone's almost dead. I go to turn on the lamp that's on the table next to the couch, but it won't turn on.

The power went out. Great.

I check the time and it's about three in the morning. I sigh loudly, shining my light at the couch and seeing Jeremy asleep right there, drool falling from the corner of his mouth. I laugh quietly, then I go to wake him up.

After a few seconds of shaking him, he wakes up slowly. "Michael? What time is it?"

"Three. The power went out. I'm guessing there was a blizzard or something." I set my phone down so the light is pointed upwards.

"Well, shit. You know if it's gonna come back?" Jeremy sits up and looks at me.

"Nope." I sigh. "Sorry 'bout that."

"Nah, don't worry about it." He puts a hand on my head. "You sleep good?"

"Yeah. What about you?"

"I could've slept better. I think I've got a cold, but it shouldn't be anything to worry about."

"Don't go and die on me, alright?" I tease. Jeremy doesn't find it very funny. "...Too soon?"

"Yeah." He responds. "But don't worry."

I nod. "...Want me to go dig up the board games and battery lights?"

"Why not?" Jeremy gives me a little smile. I smile back, probably too much of a smile. I recognize the awkwardness of the moment, so I go dig up those board games.

-

Jeremy saying that I cheated in Monopoly For Millennials multiple times, my mom waking up because of us, and Jeremy flipping the board all in an hour later, I think that maybe board games wasn't the best idea. But the power did eventually come back on, after everyone's phones died and after Jeremy threatened to divorce me. I wish I was lying about that.

"I don't ever want to see you again, Mell." Jeremy says, holding his hands out so he can't see me.

"Luckily for you, it won't be long until that actually happens." I say, adding finger guns for comedic effect. "It's just Monopoly-"

"And you cheated!" Jeremy says, a voice crack completing the sentence. I start laughing obnoxiously loud, something that was once innocent laughter turning into snort-laughing that makes me sound like a crackhead. Jeremy sighs in disappointment and even does the thing where he buries his face in his hands in shame, like how parents do when you tell them you accidentally killed the neighbor's cat. It's not a fun story. It was a few months ago, I had just gotten my drivers license-

"Hey, you two. Clean up this mess, we're gonna make breakfast." Momma says.

Jeremy gasps in excitement and I groan. He's always had a thing for cooking and baking, and I've always had a thing for hating the process in which food is made, and a thing for eating twice as much as I should. It makes me really insecure when I think about it, but that's besides the point. Jeremy's good at cooking, and I'm not, which has caused me to hate preparing meals.

Jeremy scrambles around the room to find the missing game pieces, nearly tripping and falling in the process. His excitement earns a little laugh from Momma. She seems a lot better. She's finally started talking to me willingly again, but she seems...sad. I guess it's because her miracle baby wasn't actually as much of a miracle as she thought. I get a wave of bad feelings after thinking about that.

Jeremy and Momma go into the kitchen to start working on feeding me. I turn the TV on and put on another episode of PAW Patrol, barely hearing the disappointed sighs from the kitchen over the sound of that beautiful theme song.

-

**New text from:** **_christine_ **

**Christine** : hi! just wanted to tell you that we're having that prom thingy this saturday :) also happy early birthday, michael ! can't wait to see you two there!


	6. five - i guess i thought that prom was gonna be fun

"Okay, big reveal. How do I look?"

I step out of the bathroom to show Jeremy what I have picked out for our mini-prom thing. He gasps quietly, even though he has the same thing on at this moment. It leaves me wondering. I hold out my arms for the jazz hands effect.

After a second, he smirks. "You look sexy." He teases.

"Why, thank you. Does this suit make my ass look fat?" I ask, arching my back for effect, trying to hold back my laughter.

"The only fat ass I see here is your p-h-phat ass." Jeremy laughs. I know it's a joke, but I still blush. "But seriously, dude, you look great. I didn't think matching Pac-Man suits existed. This is cool as hell."

I'm glad that Momma knows someone who had these. But the question is: who in their right mind has these lying around? It's a weird thing to have, but they're hella cool.

"Hey, p-h-phat ass, come here. Selfie."

I roll my eyes at the nickname and the selfie part. Jeremy's seemed to have a obsession with selfies lately. But I go over and I pose for a selfie, doing a peace sign (like always). Jeremy does the same thing and the photo turns out surprisingly well.

"I like it. Put that as the main photo for everything at my funeral, okay?" I joke.

"I forgot about that." Jeremy sighs.

"It's not my funeral without you! You'll put the fun in my funeral-"

"I'm about to put my foot up your ass if you don't shut up about dying for once."

"Kinky." I respond. Jeremy turns red and punches me in the arm, which causes me to wince then laugh. "So when are your friends gonna be here?"

Jeremy smiles, "They're your friends too, Michael."

"They're my...my friends?" I ask, grinning like a little kid.

He laughs. "Yes, they're your friends."

I start having a little celebration and I even do a little dance because I'm just that lonely. Jeremy stands up and joins me in my little celebration, dancing with me and we just laugh and have a nice little moment. His hands end up in mine and we're a lot closer than I expected us to be. I could just lean in...

But I don't. I pull my hands away as quickly as possible, ending with a little spin. It earns a small chuckle from Jeremy, and that's enough for me.

-

Once we get over to Christine's house, everyone's there. The thingy is going to be held in her basement. According to Jeremy, her mom is a wedding planner and there's a bunch of stuff down there from previous weddings that her mom has planned, so the girls put something together. I'm excited to see it. Those girls are sure to work magic.

We only stand for about thirty seconds in the cold, but I freeze just from that. Jeremy knocks on the door quickly and Christine herself is the one to answer the door. She gives Jeremy a smile and he smiles back, and I see a little sparkle in his eyes as they exchange greetings. It shouldn't mean much, but it still does a little thing to my heart.

"Hey, Michael!" Christine gives me a warm smile. I wave awkwardly. "Oh my gosh. Your suits match. That's the cutest thing I've ever seen."

I feel my face flush, "Yeah, it was my mom's idea." And that's not a lie.

"Come in, it's so cold out there! I'm not gonna let you freeze!" Christine says with a laugh, then she grabs both Jeremy and I's hands and pulls us inside. Jeremy laughs quietly, a slight blush spreading across his face. The laugh goes unnoticed by Christine. I try avoiding the bad feelings, because I know he isn't mine to be possessive of, but it still does something.

We follow her to the basement and I look around her house along the way. She's got a nice house, I can tell you that much. It's like one of those houses you see on those renovation TV shows. It looks like it was decorated by an interior designer, which isn't a bad thing, but it makes my room look tacky as hell.

"We were just finishing up." Christine tells us, but it sounds like it's more directed to me. Just a few steps later, we're there. I have just one word for you: lights.

Bright white Christmas lights are pinned up around the perimeter of the room, giving the room a ghostly glow. There's an area across the room with food and drinks, which is really convenient because I told my mom that there would be food, even if there really wasn't any. There's another area next to that and I'm guessing it's where we're going to take pictures, and yes, they put fairy lights over there. But it's cute.

"This looks amazing." Jeremy tells Christine, who let go of my hand a while ago and is still holding Jeremy's. I'm confused. Didn't he say she didn't like him anymore? So why...?

"Thank you, but you've gotta thank the other girls. It was Brooke's idea to add those lights over there." She refers to the fairy lights at the photo area. A light blush is spreading across her cheeks. What?

These two continue to talk for a minute and I get bored. I decide to join the others in the corner, where they all play on their phones recklessly. Can you see my sarcasm?

"...What's up?" I ask, feeling slightly left out because I'm not playing on my phone.

None of them really look at me as they say hi except for Brooke and Rich, also known as the ones who have the decency to do so. Rich even calls me 'headphones', which is more than I expected from him. I take a seat close to them and I watch Jeremy and Christine, letting the jealousy get to me more now than before. I'm not usually one to get jealous, I'm not, but this is my prom night and my date literally won't talk to me. It's been two minutes, sure, but still.

It's clear that nobody actually wants to be here. They'd rather be at home doing other things, I'm sure. Why would they actually want to hang out with me? They're too busy in their phones and their conversations to notice that I'm already trying to find the bathroom, just to hide out for a little bit. I end up having to ask Christine where it's at.

I rush up the stairs and go to look for the bathroom, remembering Christine's instructions. Upstairs, second door on the left, don't put too much toilet paper in the toilet and hold the handle down for approximately three point two seven seconds. Okay, I think she was joking about that one, but I'm keeping it in mind anyways.

I get to the room I've been looking for and I nearly slam the door shut. I take a deep breath but it feels like it's trying to kill me. This situation isn't even bad, it's not bad, Michael, why are you crying?

He probably doesn't even like her, Michael! He's just a stupid dork who turns red at everything! Right? Right?! Michael, you're so stupid. Fucking idiot. If he liked her, he would've asked her to this. Not you.

Unless if he felt like he needed to ask you since you like him, or since you have cancer and you're going to die because of it. Or both. Because, in all honesty, Michael, who'd really want to be your friend? They just stick around because it makes them feel better.

I start coming undone and I start sobbing on the bathroom floor. I'm not even trying to cry. I'm just being dramatic, I guess. There's no reason to be crying at my own prom that my friends threw for me because they were told that I'm dying.

Okay, maybe there is a reason to be crying.

I don't know how long I end up being gone before someone comes to collect me. I've got tears all over my face, my cheeks burning red from internal embarrassment after realizing that I just spent time at prom crying on the bathroom floor, and I want to wipe my face dry but I don't want to ruin my suit.

There's that gentle knocking on the door, followed by, "Are you alright in there?" It's easy to recognize Christine's voice.

"Yeah," I manage. "I'm fine."

"...Can I come in? You don't sound fine."

I think for a few seconds, now that I actually can. Christine's a sweet person. I'm sure that she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She probably wasn't even aware of what was happening.

"...Yeah." I respond. The door opens slowly and Christine peeks her head inside the room, then she slips inside. She joins me on the floor, even though she's wearing that fancy blue dress that's actually plain but looks really nice and elegant.

"You look nice." I tell her, because that's the nice person thing to do.

"Thank you," She smiles. "So do you. You okay?"

I don't respond for a few seconds. "I guess."

"You can tell me what's wrong. We're friends now." Christine rests her hand on mine. It's like when my mom takes my hand. It's calming.

I'd like to believe her, but I speak part of my mind. "Don't feel obligated to be friends with me, Christine...I'm just the cancer boy. You don't have to be my friend."

She gasps quietly then frowns. "Is that what's wrong?"

"Pretty much." I sigh. Christine stands up and grabs the toilet paper, handing the roll to me.

"Here. Wanna talk about it?"

-

After a long conversation with Christine about the whole cancer thing and my boy troubles (minus the bits where I've gotten jealous), I think I'm about ready to maybe party. Just maybe. My face has no trace of tears and I feel a whole lot better.

The others actually do want to be friends with me. It's not a thing they're doing because I have cancer. Sure, that could've contributed to that, but it's been proven to me that they do want to get to know me while they still can. It means a lot to me.

But one question still lingers in my mind, so I ask on the way back to the basement. "Do you think he still likes you, Christine?"

During our conversation, I told Christine that I like him. It was bound to come out sooner or later. She looks at me with a weird expression and then smiles. "Michael, you're so oblivious."

"What?"

"You're all he ever talks about. He's got a lot of good things to say about you, did you know that?"

My cheeks flush, "No, I-I didn't. But he always...I noticed he turns red and he has this certain look in his eye when you guys talk-"

"The only reason that doesn't happen to you is because he's completely comfortable with you. Well, he does get a look in his eyes when he talks to you, and when he talks about you. A good look." Christine flashes me a toothy grin. "You've just gotta pay attention."

"Woah." It all starts to make sense. "So, do you think I've got a chance?"

Christine smirks. "Definitely."

I start getting excited. "So, if I asked him out, do you think he'd say yes?"

"You'll have to figure that out on your own." Christine smiles one more time, then she goes to join the other girls for a picture. I notice that everyone else is finally off their phones. It gives me a sense of relief.

Jeremy approaches me with a worried look on his face. "Where have you been?"

"We've been talking. Don't worry, it's all good." I smile. Jeremy gives a smile back, seeming less anxious than before. I notice that look that Christine was talking about. "Hey, um, I was wondering-"

"Yo, Jeremy! I dare you to thlow dance with headphoneth!" Rich shouts from across the room, shoving a fistful of chips into his mouth.

Jeremy turns red and looks at me. I smirk and nod, letting him know that he can follow through with the dare. Jeremy seems like he can't speak at first, then he goes, "Alright, bet." He takes my hand and leads me to the area they cleared just in case anyone wanted to dance.

I put my hands on Jeremy's shoulders and make eye contact with him. "You know, it's just a dare."

"I'm not a pussy. I'm gonna do it." He puts his hands on my waist, which makes me blush. "Only if you want me to, though." He whispers.

"You really think I don't want you to?" I raise an eyebrow, maintaining my smile.

He laughs quietly, then he looks over his shoulder. "Hey, don't watch us! Keep your eyes to yourselves." The others laugh a bit and then go back to their own conversations, though I know they're still watching.

"Wow, I'm not used to this confident Jeremy. I wanna see him more often." I joke.

Jeremy shrugs. "I'm a bad dancer. I don't want them to see me step on your cute little toes."

"Foot fetishist much?" I laugh. Jeremy rolls his eyes.

"You know that's not what I'm into."

"How would I know that, Mr. Heere?" I smirk. Jeremy looks like he wants to backhand me in the face, but he's turning red.

He starts shuffling around, a little unsure of what to do, watching his feet. "God, you sound like you're talking to my dad."

"Ew, with the context of this conversation, that's even nastier." I snicker, sliding my foot behind me, the other one following behind. It's weird dancing without any music. Jeremy just takes little shuffling steps and it's hella cringey. I feel like I'm the only one doing work here.

"Look, if you don't want to-"

"I'm trying." He says, frustration clearly showing, but he keeps a little smile on his face. I shrug and let him do it how he wants to. He gets the hang of it pretty quickly with a little bit of my help, and soon we're both swaying to the non-existent music, just with a little more footwork. I forget all about earlier and I'm just having a lot of fun.

We dance for a little longer, then something starts to change. It feels like a lot more than just a dare. I get closer to him, eventually just resting my head on his shoulder while we keep dancing. We're really bad at this, now mentioning it, but it feels so nice.

"Are we still dancing?" Jeremy whispers. I shrug, pulling my head back up. My head starts to hurt a little bit. Maybe it's the glasses, though I blame everything on the glasses. I take them off and stick them in my pocket anyways, then I put my hands back on his shoulders.

"You wanna...keep...dancing?" I trail off as I realize how close we really are. Jeremy shrugs in response. I look in his eyes, a bit nervous as I feel the stares of the others. I feel myself getting closer and closer.

I get a little more nervous as I lean in. I gently kiss Jeremy, something that feels like I've been waiting forever to do, when it's really only been a week since I realized my feelings for Jeremy. I expect him to pull away, to scream at me or something, but nothing happens. He kisses me back. And then we're actually kissing. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in closer. I couldn't care any less about the others watching right now.


	7. six - if you're awake, then i am too

"A-Are we just gonna ignore that?" I ask on the drive home. I keep thinking about the kiss and the dance and everything else.

Jeremy pushed me away almost immediately after he started kissing me back. He seemed startled, which I understand, but it felt like a personal attack. Then he pretended like it never happened and went to go eat chips. Chips! I was so confused. I still am confused.

Jeremy gives me a look. "Ignore what?"

I cringe slightly and glance at him, trying to keep my eyes on the road. "You know, the...kiss." I say with such hesitance that it probably sounds like I don't know what a kiss is. I haven't kissed anyone since Rich, so me not knowing what a kiss is probably seems about right to Jeremy.

"The kiss?" He tries to play dumb. I give him a look to let him know I'm not playing around. My mom always gives me this look. "Oh, the kiss..."

"Yeah. Are we just...?" I sigh, hitting the steering wheel. "Nevermind."

"No, no, you can speak." Jeremy says quickly.

"What is there to say?" I ask with a sad laugh. "You obviously didn't want that."

"M-Michael, if I...if I didn't want it, I would've done something other than sit there and let it happen."

I look at him with a confused stare, "Then why-"

"Michael, eyes on the road!" Jeremy shrieks. I turn and look at the road, noticing immediately that we're starting to swerve and that there's a cat in my headlights in the middle of the street. I slam down on the brakes, glad that nobody's behind or in front of us. The reason for that is that it's night. The cat jumps, seems to yowl super loudly, and then sprints across the street.

I look over at Jeremy, who looks shaken up. "Are you alright?" I ask.

"You could've killed us, dumbass!" He punches me in the arm. "Don't do that again!"

I smile. "I was just making sure the brakes work."

"Well, don't do that again!" He laughs. I shrug and quickly turn on the stereo, the sound of an eighties mixtape I put together a while ago filling this small space quickly. Jeremy groans but with a smile. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, come on, Jeremy!" I grin, moving my foot to the gas and starting to get the car moving again. "Don't be like that."

"This is all you ever listen to, Michael-"

"It's not everything I listen to, Jere. You don't understand, I have a wide variety of music taste for a reason. You literally don't even listen to music."

"I do," He says with an offended gasp. "I just don't listen to my music around you."

"And why's that? What do you even listen to?" I ask.

"It's...showtunes." He says reluctantly. "And some other genre of music that I can't describe."

I smile, starting to find myself interested in what he listens to. Not as interested in it as my music, though. "You'll have to show me, but until then, we listen to this."

For the rest of the drive, Jeremy stays pretty quiet. He's probably trying not to say anything about my God-awful singing. I've tried getting him to sing along with me, even though I know that he doesn't know any of the words, yet he just shrugs me off.

It gives me a bad vibe, but I manage to keep it together. Soon, I'm pulling into my driveway and I feel a huge sense of relief wash over me as I put the car in park. No more driving for me tonight. I look over at Jeremy, who's been staring at me with a little smile on his face. It makes my heart melt. The music is still going, so I sing along a little bit, smiling at him.

"Come on, sing with me," I say. Jeremy shakes his head and seems to smile even more. "Please?" I whine.

"I don't sing, you know that."

"I don't either. Oh, wait! _I wanna dance with somebody~_!" I sing that last part loud and proud. Jeremy laughs, not even bothering to hide the snort-laughing when it comes. I keep singing even though I'm laughing through most of the lyrics.

"You're so stupid sometimes," Jeremy tells me. I go to roll my eyes and say something not-as-nice back, but he cuts me off. "That's one of the things I love most about you. Sorry! Sorry, y-you didn't ask for that-"

"No, continue, I'm impressed." I raise an eyebrow. Jeremy shakes his head, and I'm sure he's blushing like mad. I can't see, it's dark, and the Christmas lights that stay up all year aren't enough to provide me the light I need.

"We've gotta go inside. Hurry up with your Whitney and let's go, I'm sure your mom's probably wondering about us."

-

A little while later, we're back in our normal routine, playing videogames until the ungodly hours of the night. We've both changed out of our suits, which Momma now has hanging up in the back of her closet, and I'm back in the nice comfort of my favorite red patch-covered hoodie and some shorts. Jeremy's wearing some striped shirt that he bought at Urban Outfitters two years ago and I just let him borrow some shorts I grew out of in like, seventh grade.

"You're about to fall asleep, broski. Do you wanna go to bed? I'll let you go to sleep-"

"No. Fuck you. I'm not letting you play this level without me." Jeremy says, his eyes half-lidded and he keeps jolting upwards to keep himself awake. I frown and pause the game right as he's trying to play. "Hey!" He whines.

"You need sleep, okay? The level will be here tomorrow. We'll start over."

"But-"

"Jeremy." I say, standing up. I lean down and pick him up bridal style, causing him to yelp in surprise. I let out a quiet laugh upon noticing the red in his cheeks. I push my glasses back up my nose and I carry Jeremy over to my bed.

I set him down, hovering over him for a good second. Jeremy looks up at me, the need for sleep visible in his light eyes. He smiles a little bit before he says something incomprehensible.

"What?" I ask, completely throwing off the mood. Jeremy groans and rolls his eyes.

"I said kiss me, dumbass!"

"Oh! Oh, w-well you could've just asked, stupid!" I argue, then I'm cut off with Jeremy pulling me by the strings of my hoodie into a heated kiss. I kiss back immediately, surprised and fueled by the fact that Jeremy kissed me first. I climb on top of him while maintaining to keep our lips against each other's. I start losing my breath, so I pull away for a quick moment, immediately recognizing the awkwardness of this position.

"We look like we're about to fuck." I say.

"Well, in that case," Jeremy begins, pushing me off of him and he becomes the one to sit on me. "The last thing I want to do is sleep." He smirks. I feel my face grow hot, feeling a mixture of anxiety and complete euphoria take over my head. I smile as he kisses me again, relishing the feeling of his lips against my own, somewhat enjoying the taste. It feels good because it's a real kiss.

I feel Jeremy's hands on my body, causing me to gasp into the kiss and pull away. He immediately stops everything he's doing and asks me if I'm okay.

"...Insecure." I mumble.

"Oh," Jeremy says, thinking for a second. "Don't worry, me too. It's okay." He says quietly, rubbing the outside of my right thigh. It gets me nervous. "But just between us, I-I think you're beautiful."

Oh my God. "Real...really?" I ask. Jeremy nods with a little 'mmm-hmm' sound to go with, giving me a smile. He kisses my forehead, then he kisses my cheek. His fingers trace my visible-when-it-wants-to-be jawline before being replaced by his lips. I laugh quietly, soon wanting nothing but the feeling I'm having now. I feel him mumbling against my skin and leaving marks, making me feel nice for some unexplainable reason.

"Holy fuck, you're beautiful." I hear Jeremy say. I turn a shade of red that shouldn't be possible, letting my fingers make their way into his hair, getting them tangled in the mess. He kisses me for a few moments before pulling away, and I let my hands leave his hair.

Jeremy grins at me, wiping his mouth for no reason that I'm able to see. He then asks me, "Are you okay with this? Because I'm gonna stop if you're not."

I almost say yes, but then I get to thinking. Is this really the time? Like, we're not dating, and I just figured out tonight that he liked me. Yeah, I'm dying, but I want to take this slow and not rush the relationship. And in all honesty, I think that I'm not ready for sex yet.

"No," I say quietly. Jeremy's smile starts to fade and I feel bad. "I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm not ready for that yet."

"No, I get it. I'm sorry for trying to rush you." He says, climbing off of me. I sit up and sigh.

"It's okay, Jeremy. Don't be sorry." I take his hand, kissing his fingertips gently. "We can try this again a different time, yeah?"

"I...I don't know if we'll ever get a different time."

"We will, I promise." I say, though I'm not even sure myself. I can't be sure. I might die tomorrow, or in a few weeks, or in a few months. I won't ever know until it's too late. "Here, let's...let's finish the level. Then we'll go to bed."

"You can finish it. I'm too sleepy." Jeremy lies down and pulls my comforter over himself. I watch him as he gets comfortable, confused as to what just happened and why he brushed it off so easily. Huh. I guess maybe he was just meant to let these things go so easily, or at least never show that it bothers him.

"Well, goodnight, Jere." I say. And with that, he fell asleep.


	8. seven - scaly little friend's got my backup

During breakfast this next morning, I can't help but notice the box with holes in the top in the corner of the kitchen. I don't say anything about it, but it doesn't go unacknowledged. I soon notice a pattern in this morning's breakfast. I'm getting spoiled with these Pac-Man pancakes and my mom let me have dairy, but why? 

I take a bite of the last of my pancakes before going to say something. "What happened?" I ask Momma. This can't be happening for any good reason.

"What do you mean?" She responds. I notice that she doesn't have a plate. Not eating? This might be worse than I thought.

"You let me have dairy, Mom. Something's wrong." I'm being completely serious, but Momma and Jeremy laugh. It feels as if they have a joke that I'm not in on. "What's going on?" I ask again, starting to feel upset because I want to be included.

"Can I get the box?" Jeremy asks Momma excitedly. She gives a smile and nods. Jeremy almost trips trying to get up from the table, running to the box in the corner. "You're gonna love it, Michael!"

I feel a smile spread across my face, starting to drum my hands on table in my excitement. "I'm ready for whatever early birthday fuckery this is." Just realizing that it's almost my birthday. Momma warns me for language, but I don't listen. I'm too excited. They tell me to open the box, and I do. I peek inside.

"Oh my God, it's what I've always wanted."

I reach into the box and gently take the lizard inside into my hands. He's so scaly and cute. I've wanted a lizard or a dog since I was six, and this makes me the happiest cancer boy in the world. I can't stop smiling. I set the lizard on my head and he digs his little lizard claws into my brain, probably drawing blood, but I don't care.

I start crying. "He's so beautiful." I whisper.

"What are you gonna name him?" Jeremy asks me, wiping a few tears from my cheek with a smile. I notice Momma's little smirk, which makes me go red.

"Ninja," The name immediately comes to mind. I've had it up in my mind for ten years. I've been thinking about this for a while, you can tell. I didn't think I was actually going to get a lizard. "Whose idea was this?" I ask.

Jeremy raises his hand shyly. "I remembered your ranting about lizards. We discussed it while making breakfast the other morning, and so we went and got Ninja this morning."

My lip quivers and I give Jeremy a smile. "Thank you," I look at Momma. "And thank you!"

"You've still got that lizard on your head." Is all she says, but she says it teasingly and with a smile. I nod and Ninja doesn't even move an inch. I look back at Jeremy and I pull him into a kiss, right with the lizard on my head and right in front of Momma. It doesn't seem to bother Jeremy, so it doesn't bother me. I smile into the kiss, knowing that there's a cute as hell lizard on my head as I'm kissing my boyfriend in front of my mom. Wait, best friend?

...No. Boyfriend. Sounds better.

-

I'm so glad that I learned how to sew. Okay, I had to learn a lot. The first time I tried sewing, this girl in my art class wanted tiny clothes for her pose mannequin and I offered to make them because I thought it was easy. I got stoned later that night and remembered to do the clothes, using nothing but the sewing box I stole from Momma's room, a pair of school scissors, old curtains and YouTube tutorials. They turned out incredibly terrible.

But anyways, back to the point. I'm glad I learned how to sew because I just made a pride flag for Ninja's terrarium. I know he's going to eat it or piss on it, but I'm always going to make another one. I've only had this reptile for a day and I've already told him that I'm going to die just for him. Sad thing is, it's kind of true.

Jeremy sneaks up behind me and hugs me from behind, tucking his arms underneath mine. He laughs quietly as it sort of startled me, but I brush it off and I smile. He sets his head on my shoulder and I can tell that he's bent all the way over just to be eye contact level with me. To be fair, I'm sitting down at my desk. I'm not an elf.

Jeremy looks at the pride flag and grins. "Aw, is Ninja gay?"

"He'll come out in his own time. Right now he's an ally. He's got two daddies." I smile, taking Jeremy's hands and kissing them.

"I'm his daddy?"

"No. You're his dad. I'm his daddy." I correct him. I point at Ninja in his terrarium. "Look at our son, he's so beautiful."

"Sexy." Jeremy says with a chuckle.

I gasp, "Jeremy!"

Jeremy stands up and his arms leave their spot from around me. "What? They're synonyms."

"You know what else a synonym? My dick in your-"

"I don't think that's a synonym, Michael."

"Vocab quiz with Jeremy Heere. Thank you, teacher. Fuck off." I say, holding up my middle finger to his face with a smile.

"Is that attitude?" He asks, pushing my finger down, but it just goes back up.

"Yeah," I tease, turning back to Ninja and putting my finger down. "Look at our son, Jeremy. They grow up so fast."

Jeremy kisses my head. "They sure do," He says, playing with my hair. He leans back down to look at me. "Uh, Michael?"

"Yeah-?" I feel something trickle down my face from my nose. My hand goes up to feel what it is, then I pull my hand away to look. "A nosebleed?"

Jeremy reaches across my desk and grabs me the tissues, handing some to me. I hold them up to my nose to help stop the bleeding. This has happened before, quite a few times, actually. Something tells me that it has to do with the cancer. (That something is called Google.)

"Here, I'll clean this up." Jeremy says, grabbing some more tissues. I look where he's looking and I see a pool of blood on my desk.

"Oops."

"It's no big deal...right?" Jeremy asks, beginning to clean up the mess. I shrug as I keep holding the tissues to my nose, incredibly grossed out by this process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was wack and I wasn't able to finish it, I am so sorry for it just being abruptly cut off like that. :(


	9. eight - i'd dance just for you when the nightlight goes out

There's a treehouse in my backyard. It's been there since the eighties, so says a little knife carving in the wood. It's really strong and we used to go up there all the time when we were kids, but we soon grew out of going up there every day. I wanted to go up there more over this past summer, but Jeremy was always too busy to hang out with me, and when he did hang out with me, I felt like he was doing it out of guilt. We haven't been up here since we were fifteen.

Until now. Now, it's all dusty and there's leaves in here, but not many leaves. Jeremy's constructed a little nest out of pillows and blankets in the corner and he's strung up some battery-powered lights. He brought extra blankets to cover up with. He also brought a bag full of snacks and he managed to bring his laptop up here, so I can only think that we're going to watch movies up here. It makes my heart happy.

"I hope this is okay. It's not much, but it's for you. Happy birthday."

I smile and grab Jeremy by the face, kissing him deeply. The kiss lasts for a few moments before I pull away, smiling more than before. "It's perfect. Thank you, baby."

Jeremy seems to turn red from the nickname, but he smiles too. "You're welcome."

I crawl over to the nest and I motion for Jeremy to come snuggle up to me, which he does. We pull the extra blankets over us and I grab the snacks. Jeremy grabs the laptop and sets it right in the middle of our laps. I start to eat Cheez-Its from the box as he tries to find a movie I'd want to watch. I curl up next to him to try and gain more warmth.

"We should probably watch movies together more often." He mutters.

"You have snow days, Thanksgiving break and winter break. You should come over." I suggest.

"That's the plan." He tells me, still scrolling. He finally gives up and looks at me. "Give me a movie you like. I know I should be keeping track of the movies you like, and I know some of them, but I don't feel like watching Beetlejuice or Ghostbusters."

"We could watch Dirty Dancing..." I say, a little embarrassed of the fact that it's the movie I want to watch. It's good, though.

"I remember watching that before," Jeremy recalls. "I think it was with my mom and sister, way back then."

I know that family is a touchy subject for him, so I don't know if I want to continue this conversation. "Is it okay if we watch it?"

"Hm, yeah. It's your birthday."

Jeremy somehow pulls the movie up quickly, which is convenient for my impatient ass. He has to mess with the volume a few times, but after that, we're all good to go. I curl up to him even closer. He wraps his arm around me, which makes me smile.

-

"Do you have a marker?" I ask Jeremy after we finish the movie, expecting 'no' for an answer. But he ends up saying yes and he places a Sharpie in my hand. I scrunch up my face in confusion. "Why the fuck do you have a Sharpie in your pocket?"

"Don't ask questions."

I shrug. I get to my knees and I take the cap off the marker, holding it in my mouth. I dust off the wood with my sleeve. I begin to write on the wall, taking my time to make sure my handwriting is neat. After a few moments, I'm done.

"There. It says Michael and Jeremy, then November twelfth, and then a heart. So whoever has the treehouse next can see it."

"That's adorable."

"Ooh, I found a Pokémon card." I reach over and pick it up, checking the other side to see which Pokémon it is. The colors are super faded and the card feels weird, but I can make out the image of the Pokémon. "Charizard. Lit."

Jeremy looks at the card in my hands. "I think I left that in here a few years back."

"You want it?" I ask, holding it out for him to take, but he shakes his head.

"Nah, you keep it." He tells me. I smile and take my phone out. I take the case off and slip the card into there before putting it back on. "You ready to go inside?"

"Hm, yeah...it's getting cold."

We fold up the blankets and put them in the tote bag that was holding the snacks. I'll grab the trash later. Jeremy slips his laptop into the bag and then we finally take the lights down, turning them off. I stick them in the bag, then we make our way down the ladder and through the backyard. We go onto the back patio and to the sliding glass door that leads into the kitchen.

We head inside and I'm immediately met with warmth, which makes me realize how cold I must've been. I check behind me to make sure that Jeremy's there, and he is, smiling contently. I take his hand and lead us down to the basement, wishing that my mom didn't have to sleep so early so we could celebrate. She could've at least bought me a cupcake from the store. I guess the lizard is enough.

I kick off my shoes when we get downstairs and I set the tote bag in a beanbag chair. Jeremy slips off his jacket and sets it on the bag, then he takes his Converse off. He looks over at me, some sort of look in his eye. It makes me blush. I go and sit on my bed and Jeremy follows, sitting next to me.

There's a few moments of awkward silence, then I bite my lip. "Why are you looking at me like that...?"

"Do you not like it? I'll stop if you want me to."

"I'm just wondering if you're trying to seduce me or something. Because if you are, it's kinda working." I admit.

Jeremy looks kind of surprised. "Really?"

"Y-Yeah, kinda."

Jeremy laughs a cute little laugh and smiles dorkily, a blush starting to spread across his freckled cheeks. It makes me melt. I haven't seen him smile like that or laugh like that in a long time. His eyes meet mine again, and I feel myself getting lost in them. I give into the urge to kiss him, planting my lips against his.

Something escalates. I feel myself fall back onto my bed gently. My sheets surround me in _ultimate_ warmth, accompanied with the feeling of my boyfriend now sitting on top of me. He's good at keeping me warm too. Jeremy kisses me again, more passionately than before. In between kisses, I let out a shaky moan that I would've preferred to keep to myself. I'm embarrassed, but it seems to make him kiss me harder.

When Jeremy pulls away, I feel like I lose a little piece of myself. I didn't realize how much I crave his touch and how much I need his lips smashed against my own. I prop myself up on my elbows, and that's when Jeremy takes off his shirt and discards it on my floor. His hands rest on either side of me and he gives me a smile. His eyes practically have hearts in them.

I start to feel incredibly nervous, something I've been feeling too often. I blurt out, "What if you don't like what you see?"

His lovey expression fades and he looks as nervous as I feel."I-I kinda freaked out over that too. But with me."

"I'm glad we're on the same page here..." I mumble. "I don't like being...ugly."

"You're not ugly," Jeremy scolds, yet voice is still gentle. "I'm gonna make you feel beautiful tonight and every day after." I find myself believing in what he says.

Jeremy plants a soft kiss on my forehead. I smile, feeling my face grow warm. I love him so much.

"Don't be nervous, because it's my first time too."

"Shocker." I remark.

"Shut up." Jeremy pouts. I snicker, then I pull him into yet another kiss.


	10. nine - i'm not letting go

My eyes are half-open, my chest is rising heavily up and down as I try to breathe and my body is pretty much numb from the waist down. I take another shaky breath and look over at my boyfriend, who's as breathless and naked and shaky and sweaty as I am. I manage a smile, _manage_ due to how exhausted I am.

"I've literally never done that before."

"I..." I yawn. "I figured."

Jeremy lightly slaps me against the arm, "Hey!"

"Hehe, sorry. I have to admit, it was...it felt good. But it was honestly kind of weird and painful and gross and exhausting."

"Agreed. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be."

"Maybe it's because you're, like, a bottom and you just nailed a top."

Jeremy giggles. "I couldn't ever see you fucking me, Michael, just saying."

I frown. "Maybe if I weren't vertically challenged, I could do it."

"Maybe. But that's not happening any time soon, short stack." He plants a kiss on the top of my head.

"I'm not even that short..." I mutter. Jeremy wraps his arms around me.

"I love you." He says.

"I love you _more._ "

"Bet."

" _Bet._ "

Jeremy and I giggle for a moment before I press a lazy kiss to his lips, almost kissing his chin doing so. I lay my head down on his chest with a sigh, closing my eyes and wishing we could stay like this forever. For once, I'm not thinking about dying. This is the calmest my mind has been in years.

"Thank you for staying...and for doing this with me...and dealing with all my noobiness. All on a school night."

"Anything for you, Micha." I can hear the smile on his voice. It makes me happy knowing that he's happy. "What does this make us? Are we just friends? What are we?"

"Pfft, Jeremy!" I laugh, loudly at first, but I don't want to wake up Momma, so I turn down my volume.

"I'm just kidding. I love you, my squishy and cute boyfwiend." Jeremy presses a kiss to my forehead.

"I love you too, Jere. I love you a lot." My eyes remain closed as my body begs me to rest. I follow through with the pleading and I drift off to sleep, cuddling with my boyfriend with a smile tugging the corners of my lips.

-

I wake up cold, even underneath my blankets. My room is dark, but what do I expect? I live in a basement. I whine loudly, hoping that it might get Jeremy back in here, but then I remember that he had school. It finally occurs to me when I check the time on my phone, surprised that I was able to wake up at eight in the morning after going to bed around two.

I sit up, shivering when the cold air hits my skin. _Right_. I remember what happened before. It explains all the pain in the lower half of me, my legs, my _ass_. I smile upon remembering despite the pain. It makes me happy knowing that I got to do that with the boy I love, and that I even got to do it. The thought brings my attention to my headache. I hate that I constantly wake up with headaches now.

I turn my lamp on and slip out of bed, stretching when I stand up. I quickly search around my room and find a clean pair of boxers, slipping them on. I look for my hoodie and I find it on the floor next to my bed. I slip that on too.

I head upstairs to go make myself breakfast. The reminder to put my glasses on doesn't cross my mind until I get all the way to the kitchen. I tell myself it'll be fine.

I spend the long day eating snacks and watching The Golden Girls, wearing just my hoodie and my underwear. I sit in the recliner with my legs thrown over the side and I practically scream 'Thank You for Being a Friend' every time a different episode comes on. I text Jeremy a few times throughout the day. I'm so caught up in the show that when it's the time Momma comes home from work, I don't notice. The front door opens just in the middle of the theme song. I stop singing immediately.

"Momma," I sit up in the chair correctly, embarrassed. She hates when I don't sit in it correctly.

"It's been a moment," She chuckles rather sadly as she closes the door. She looks at me and laughs, presumably from the lack of pants and the show in the background. She sighs. "I'm sorry that we didn't celebrate your birthday yesterday, I was tired and...I hope you understand."

I feel guilty. "It's okay, Momma. Jeremy spent time with me and made it a good birthday."

"Anything happen?" She asks with a mischievous smile.

"No. Nothing happened." I lie. I hate lying to my mom, but I know she'd get onto me and I'd get into serious trouble, even with all the teasing she does. I'm still only seventeen. "We watched a movie in the treehouse then came back inside and...that was pretty much it."

"You sure?"

"I'm positive." I get up from the chair so I can grab another snack. I hope she doesn't notice the funny way I'm walking. That'd be awkward.

There's a long silence, and by the time I reach the kitchen, I notice Momma following me. I grab a bag of chips. She seems to make a face upon seeing the bag. "Wanna help me cook?" She asks, which disappoints me because I wanted to keep snacking until I pass out.

"I was hoping we could just get cheeseburgers and call it a night," I admit, putting the bag of chips back. "Why would you let me help, anyway? Are we cooking for someone?"

"Just the two of us...and Lucy."

"Who's Lucy...?" I ask. "Is she...your _girlfriend?_ "

Momma seems to blush. "She's my girlfriend." She confirms.

I beam and ignore the horrible feeling of betrayal I feel. It's not just Momma and I anymore. She never told me about...Lucy. So...when I die, _if_ I die, it'll be easier for her to move on and forget me. That's great. I know I'm going to hate Lucy.

"Yeah, Mom. I'll help you. So, what are we making?"

-

Lasagna. My mom wanted me to help her make lasagna. I finally put pants on. As Lucy and her have a conversation and don't really touch the food, I'm eating and drinking a glass of milk so that I get really bad gas to scare Lucy away. The perks of lactose intolerance.

The first thing I noticed about Lucy is that she's completely different from my mom. She's got short, blonde hair, light eyes, she's white. Not like being white is a bad thing. I just think I'm funny. I remember her greeting me with a hug and a smile. She's nice, a little _too_ nice, if you ask me. There's this chemistry between her and my mom and I can tell that they're in love, even though I don't want them to be. She's so nice to be around, which I hate because I'm supposed to hate her.

I pick at my food for a moment before eating again. I feel a little insecure. It always happens when I eat in front of people. I don't know if it's about the way I think I look when I eat, or if it's about my weight. I try my best to ignore those thoughts as I continue to listen to their conversation and chow down on my Italian cuisine. It's super awkward. Momma's barely even noticed me.

Lucy speaks to me. "I've heard a lot about you, Michael."

"...Me?" I ask, lifting my head up.

"No, the Michael behind you." I seriously turn my head to look before I realize that she was joking. It causes her and Momma to laugh. It makes me turn red and feel horrible.

"How much have you heard?" I ask her while looking at my mom.

"I've told her the good things," Momma answers. The good things? Nothing about me is good.

"So she doesn't know I have cancer?" It slips out before I can process it. My eyes widen as I realize. I hope she knew before that.

"I knew," Lucy replies after a long silence. "I just figured you didn't like to talk about it...because who does?"

"I don't _like_ to talk about it. It just happens." My words taste bitter. I'm not meaning to be rude. I look away before I say anything else. I feel the concerned stares. I hate being stared at.

"I want Jeremy," I say. No response. Awkward, tense silence. I look back up, eyebrows furrowed. "Like, now. Am I excused from dinner or?"

Momma seems to look guilty. "Of course. Sorry."

I stand up from the table and take another sip of milk before I head out of the kitchen to the stairs. _I hate her._ I hate Lucy and I don't even know why. Well, actually, I do know why, but I still hate her. My mom and Jeremy seemed to be the only ones who saw me when I felt alone, and they both failed at least once. Now it's just Jeremy. Maybe not even Jeremy. Maybe I'm the only one who sees me.

I flop down onto my mattress and I feel the tears forming. I have to fight hard to keep them away. I reach for my phone and immediately text my boyfriend, asking him to come over because ' _holyshitimabouttohaveabreakdown'_. My head starts pounding again.


	11. ten - and no matter how much it hurts, it's not goodbye, just see you later

My eyes open halfway to a mostly dark room, the light from the terrarium seeming to be the only light source in here. I'm cold, even with the blanket covering me. I pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes again, hoping that I'm not taking too much of it away from my boyfriend, but then I realize that he isn't even laying down next to me. Weird.

I sit up and yawn for a second, throwing my legs over the side of his bed and shivering. He always keeps his room so cold. I look around the room for him, but there's no sign of him in here. I decide to go upstairs.

I hear my voice call out, "Michael?" Which earns no response. Underneath the bathroom door, I see light coming from said room. He's probably in there.

I take a few steps and I push open the door, met with the sight of Michael hunched over the toilet, holding his head. He looks at me and tears streak his face, dried blood leaving a trail down his chin. His eyes are dull. I can tell that he needs sleep.

"Are you okay?" I ask, knowing fully that he's not okay. It's all I can say without stammering or messing up.

"My head...it hurts so bad. I'm puking st-straight up blood. Jeremy..."

"Uh, um, want me to get your mom?"

"What's she gonna do about it?" He hunches over the toilet again. He gags a few times and then finishes with some more blood. I hear a choked sob escape from his throat and he quietly begs me to help him. I don't know _how_ to help him. Michael starts crying and that's when I feel the weakest. You'd think that since he's my best friend of twelve years and my _boyfriend_ , I'd know how to calm him down. But when this happens, it makes me freak out too.

I sit next to Michael on the floor and I rub his back as he cries, unsure of what else to do. He tells me about how much it hurts his head to cry, which doesn't make much sense to me, but I listen. I wipe the blood off of his chin with a handful of toilet paper, tossing the bunch in the trash. I let him talk to me for a while to distract himself. We sit here on the floor for half an hour.

"Do you wanna go to the hospital?" I softly ask.

"They're gonna kill me. I'll die if I go."

I'm taken aback. "No, they're not gonna kill you. They're gonna work to make you feel better, Michael, that's their job."

"I don't wanna go," He sniffles. "I want my mom. I want my dad. My _brother_. Anything but the hospital."

I nervously bite my lip. "Michael, your dad..."

"Ran away? Yeah, I know. All anyone ever does is run away from me. What did I do? I-I just have cancer. That's it."

"I've never run away from you, Michael. I'm still here."

"I'd like to pretend that's true." He murmurs.

"What?"

"When I left school, you just...you stopped talking to me for a while. I had to remind you that I existed. Even then, you still were too busy with your new friends to spend time with me. It took a few months but you finally...why am I telling you this? It's not like it makes any difference now."

I feel the guilt completely filling my mind. I never realized that I was doing that. I should've been a better friend. I hope this makes up for it. "Michael, please let me take you to the hospital."

"I've kept it inside for two years, Jeremy."

"Michael, please." I beg.

"You're gonna ignore what I'm saying again, aren't you? I should've known."

"I don't want to talk about it, I don't. Not while you're like this," I admit. He doesn't look convinced. I beg again, "Not now, Michael, please."

"Let's just talk about it, come on! It's not supposed to be this hard—"

"Michael Mell, you're _sick_. I'm not going to lose another important part of my life because he won't listen to me. We're going to the hospital and we'll discuss this over slushies when you get discharged. I'm not going to argue with you right now."

Michael looks at me with big, glassy eyes. "O-Okay. We'll go. I'm sorry."

I want to tell him not to be sorry, but I just get to my feet and I help him up. He immediately hugs me. It catches me by surprise. I wrap my arms around him and hold him close. He's warm. I only let go because I need to grab Michael's things and wake up his mom so she can be at the hospital with us.

"I love you." Michael croaks out. I tell him the same thing with a kiss on his forehead, then I take his hand and I lead him upstairs to his mom's room, past his brother's. Michael's the one to open the door. He walks into the dark room, not really nervous at all. He manages to wake his mom up by talking to her in Tagalog. When she seems to process what he's saying, she nearly leaps out of bed and starts talking frantically in their language.

-

The hospital waiting room is so bright. It's pretty quiet, but loud in its own way. I look up at a TV, which is playing some early morning talk show that I usually don't watch, but I've been here for two hours and it's all I've watched. I almost forgot to tell my dad why I wouldn't be showing up to school today. I told him to wait to see Michael. I wanted to see him first, after his mom, who's walking toward me.

There's a silence between the two of us. I'm afraid that something bad happened. _Is he gone? Please tell me he isn't gone._

"Is he...is he okay?" I ask from my seat.

"He's alright," Momma's voice wavers. It isn't reassuring. "I'm needed at work. I'd hate to leave him, but—"

"It's okay. I'll make sure he stays okay," I offer rather quickly. Momma nods. She seems to be slightly relieved. "I...Thank you. For everything." I say. I don't know why I do. Before she can respond, I get up and give Michael's mom a hug. It's probably awkward for her since I'm so much taller than she is, but she accepts the hug. I feel her hug me back. I stay in her embrace for a while, then I force myself to pull away.

"I'll be back as soon as I get off work. Thank you for staying with him, Jeremy. It means a lot to me."

"Of course...Momma," The word just slips out. I blush. She takes a moment to process it, then her deep brown eyes become glassy and she smiles. I feel her quickly kiss my forehead and hug me one more time before she begins to leave. My gut is telling me to stop her, but I know she has to leave. I'm just... _scared_.

-

"Jere, I'm really sorry about this morning."

"It's okay, you were upset for good reason. You have all the right to be upset." I tell Michael.

He shrugs. "Hold my hand."

I do as he asks. His nervousness seems to melt away from my touch. Mine increases. What if he dies right now and we're holding hands and then I'm held responsible for it? What if he just...what if he just dies? I'd never be able to recover from it. Especially since I'm touching his hand. My hand would be the last one he would ever touch. I'd be the last one he'd ever see.

"I love you, Michael." I croak, despite my overthinking.

"I love you too, Jeremy."

We hold hands for a while. Michael closes his eyes, probably about to fall asleep again, but I don't let go. I hold on tightly, like I'll die if I don't.

I finally notice how Michael's hand feels cold in my own. I look back up at him, hoping that he's okay. I'm met with his eyes looking in mine, the sparkle in them long gone. He smiles a small smile, a smirk almost, showing his dimples subtly. I tighten my grip on his limp hand upon noticing his heart rate slow down on the monitor, not returning the smile, but he gets why. He lifts my hand up to his face and kisses it softly, letting out a quiet giggle. It helps me crack a smile.

"We're gonna be okay." He tells me.


End file.
